21 June 2010

The Only Thing That Stays The Same.

It seems as though I've been in a massive period of transition these past couple of years. I lost my job in Southern California, moved back to the Midwest to go back to school in a small rural town, attended my clinical internship for a year in the Kansas City metro area, and then going back to finish up my final semester. Last week I moved back to the KC area for three more months to complete my MRI preceptorship and prepare for the MR boards.

Initially I'd moved in with a close friend from high school, but he and his fiancée lived too far -- my commute was 50 miles and an hour away each way. I tested it out for a couple of days before deciding to take up an offer from friends of family who thankfully live much closer to the hospital. I moved again over the weekend; now my commute is only about five miles and a thousand times more convenient and practical even though I'm renting the room. I figure that this expense is well worth the time I'll be saving, not to mention the wear and tear on the car. I mean, I might be able to justify a hundred-mile, 2-hour round-trip commute in a place like Orange County or Seattle, but not here. So I finally "settled in" yesterday afternoon in my new living quarters and breathed a sigh of relief.
We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves.
- Lynn Hall, Where Have All the Tigers Gone?
Generally, I like change. It signifies something new and sometimes exciting, an opportunity to adapt to whatever life is throwing my way. It's been a chance to prove my resilience and tenacity and I think I've succeeded (for the most part) in being able to change myself accordingly. Granted there have been some aspects of myself that have been surprisingly resistant and this has been cause for some concern. I'd always thought myself as someone who could roll with the punches, and while I think that's very true for the majority of things that have changed in my life, over the past couple of years I've discovered some parts of me that are unpleasantly stubborn. These were illuminated after some kind of conflict, either with my own self or with people close to me. Unfortunately, by the time I'd discovered these flaws, damage had already been done and may be irreversible.

This year I had resolved to look at myself more from the outside, as someone else might see me, instead of staying in my box all the time and assuming that I was as open-minded as I believed I was (I wasn't. This realization was truly a shock to me and upset me greatly). But I can confidently say that I've made some progress and am in the process of proving it to myself, as well as to certain other people I hold in high regard. I can't say when I'll be able to look in the mirror and say You are now as accepting of change and as open-minded as you will ever be because I still think I have a way to go. But as I become "more clearly myself" -- and as my life changes once again when I return to the West Coast in three months -- I hope that it is in a positive direction and I will welcome change with an honest heart.

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