2011 Checklist, Part 02: Personality.

If I had anything resembling resolutions for 2011, these would be it. Second in a series of comments on a checklist for the new(ish) year. This particular section has to do with ...

Personality:

• Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about. Not too hard. I don't really look at someone and check to see if I'm doing "better" or "worse" than them. I have enough to worry about on my own plate and don't need to measure my life against anyone else's.
  
  
• Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment. I've slowly been converting myself into an optimist. Back then I was definitely more of a fatalist with pessimist tendencies and it hadn't really benefited me all that much. Although nowadays I try to look on the more positive side of things, my outlook is still mixed with a healthy amount of realism. So far I think it's a good balance.
  
  
• Don't over do. Keep your limits. I'm half in agreement with this one. I'm all for not overexerting oneself, but there's no way I'm never testing the limits of my capacity. Stagnation isn't really the way to go.
  
  
• Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does. Getting better at this. Life is much more pleasant when you live with a lighter heart.
  
  
• Dream more while you are awake. Maybe I'm doing a little too much of this :)
  
  
• Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need. I wouldn't call it envy, but I do catch myself admiring possessions/characteristics of other people. But I would see it more as something to aspire to be, in a positive manner.
  
  
• Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others. Done and done.
  
  
• Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present. Still an ongoing struggle with me; this is probably one of my biggest obstacles. I've found it difficult to "move on" with certain aspects of life when ghosts of my past self continue to haunt me. Therapy has helped me before and I plan on going back as soon as I can afford it.
  
  
• No one is in charge of your happiness except you. I wish this weren't "easier said than done." While I can't say I'm completely, 100% perfectly happy with where I am in life, it's comforting to know that I'm taking steps in that direction. Who knows -- I may never get there, but the thing about perfection is that it's unknowable.
  
  
• Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime. It's become easier internally for me now that I see past problems as learning points. Granted, I haven't been the brightest "student" over the past few years but I'm learning. Slow and steady is the course for me, I guess.
  
  
• Smile and laugh more. Done.
  
  
• You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree. This was a big hurdle. I've been fairly successful at letting things go, and realizing that it's okay that other people have different viewpoints. I don't have to change other people's minds; there's nothing to be gained by force.

The Only Thing That Stays The Same.

It seems as though I've been in a massive period of transition these past couple of years. I lost my job in Southern California, moved back to the Midwest to go back to school in a small rural town, attended my clinical internship for a year in the Kansas City metro area, and then going back to finish up my final semester. Last week I moved back to the KC area for three more months to complete my MRI preceptorship and prepare for the MR boards.

Initially I'd moved in with a close friend from high school, but he and his fiancée lived too far -- my commute was 50 miles and an hour away each way. I tested it out for a couple of days before deciding to take up an offer from friends of family who thankfully live much closer to the hospital. I moved again over the weekend; now my commute is only about five miles and a thousand times more convenient and practical even though I'm renting the room. I figure that this expense is well worth the time I'll be saving, not to mention the wear and tear on the car. I mean, I might be able to justify a hundred-mile, 2-hour round-trip commute in a place like Orange County or Seattle, but not here. So I finally "settled in" yesterday afternoon in my new living quarters and breathed a sigh of relief.

We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves.
- Lynn Hall, Where Have All the Tigers Gone?

Generally, I like change. It signifies something new and sometimes exciting, an opportunity to adapt to whatever life is throwing my way. It's been a chance to prove my resilience and tenacity and I think I've succeeded (for the most part) in being able to change myself accordingly. Granted there have been some aspects of myself that have been surprisingly resistant and this has been cause for some concern. I'd always thought myself as someone who could roll with the punches, and while I think that's very true for the majority of things that have changed in my life, over the past couple of years I've discovered some parts of me that are unpleasantly stubborn. These were illuminated after some kind of conflict, either with my own self or with people close to me. Unfortunately, by the time I'd discovered these flaws, damage had already been done and may be irreversible.

This year I had resolved to look at myself more from the outside, as someone else might see me, instead of staying in my box all the time and assuming that I was as open-minded as I believed I was (I wasn't. This realization was truly a shock to me and upset me greatly). But I can confidently say that I've made some progress and am in the process of proving it to myself, as well as to certain other people I hold in high regard. I can't say when I'll be able to look in the mirror and say You are now as accepting of change and as open-minded as you will ever be because I still think I have a way to go. But as I become "more clearly myself" -- and as my life changes once again when I return to the West Coast in three months -- I hope that it is in a positive direction and I will welcome change with an honest heart.

Heartfelt.

Le cœur a ses raisons que la raison ne connaît pas.
- Blaise Pascal

Or, "the heart has its reasons that reason cannot know." This is one of the most personally significant statements I've ever read, so much so that I use it as my "bio" or signature on several of my Web accounts ...

... Which leads me to write just a quick thought about the abrupt shift in tone in the blog with my previous entry. Most of the things I write here on Perpetual Mixtape do little more than scratch the surface of what's really going on deeper inside my head. Sure you'll find the occasional rant about some pressing personal issue or problem in my life, but I haven't really bared my soul like that before.

I don't know -- on one hand, it is a small burden off my shoulders to be free to write what I'm actually feeling (one of my major challenges has been to improve my verbal communication to match the dexterity of my written). Having a journal, public or otherwise, has proven to be therapeutic for me; it helps when I'm able to actually see what I'm trying to get across. On the other hand, I'm not really used to writing so frankly and sincerely -- and from a point of vulnerability -- for however many readers are out there. That said, it's almost uncomfortable for me to re-read "Happily Ever After" but I'm reassured by the fact that I wrote it with a clear mind and purpose.

Let me think on it for a while.