Taking The Express.

A few months ago I was hanging out with a good friend and somehow we started talking about death, burial and other light and sunny topics. She asked me where I wanted to be buried, and I answered that I wanted to be cremated. Immediately, an emotion that looked like a combination of shock, panic and horror crossed her face. "Oh nooo," she exclaimed. "What? Why would you want to do that?"

"I don't feel like rotting underground for years and having worms crawl out of my eyes," I replied. "It's better to just get it over with quickly."

I don't think she quite agreed with this response and we ended up going back and forth for a few more minutes, neither one convincing the other that their method of being laid to rest was more appropriate. Personally, I don't have anything against going six feet under next to your loved ones; I've paid my respects to my share of family members in cemeteries. I just don't think it's the right way to go for me. Cremation, on the other hand, has a bunch of advantages.

1. It's fast. What faster way to get back to your most basic elements? I mean, Genesis 3:19 tells us that "for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return." Fine and good -- I'd just much rather have it happen sooner than later.
   
   
2. It's neat. NO, not neat as in "Oh wow do that again!!" but neat as in "tidy." Decomposition is a messy, messy process from beginning to end. Go to YouTube and type "time lapse decomposition" to catch my drift (make sure you're not about to eat lunch). I know that I won't really be in a position to care about what happens to me after I go -- I mean, who would I be trying to impress? hahah -- but I prefer that my body not go through something similar to these veggies. Is that so wrong?
   
   
3. It saves space. I know some people like to keep the "cremains" of their loved ones in their homes, but I want to travel and have my ashes scattered in places I didn't get to visit. I think that would be better than resting for eternity in one place. If I'm going to be a part of the earth, let it be all over the earth. Besides, cemeteries are getting crowded and I'm sure someone would be happy to take my spot. I won't mind -- I'll be in Morocco, Antarctica and St. Kitts.
   
   
4. It saves money. Cremation is far less expensive than traditional burial. (Savings are in the thousands of dollars.) Let's face it: I'm not trying to be a cause of financial burden onto my family when I go. They'll have enough to think about.
   
   
5. It's environmentally friendly. Cremation reduces the number of trees that are cut for coffins, eliminates concrete put into funeral vaults and preserves and saves land. Furthermore, there's no danger from formaldehyde (used in embalming) contaminating the ground. So remember kids, DO YOUR PART FOR MOTHER EARTH.
   
   
6. It's trendy. Kidding. But actually though, a Viking funeral would be a pretty bad-ass way to go out.

like a BOSS

So, for those who still want to be lowered into the ground, have at it. It's all good. I mean, we're all going to the same place anyway and I'll see you when you get there. But I'll be taking the express.

I can't believe I just wrote an entire post about cremation. Yeahhh, that was a bit morbid. Must be a slow news day. Anyway back to our regularly-scheduled posts about mostly nonsense!