Kc Nhhya C Nnay.

This past weekend, my mom got an email from a younger family friend back in the Philippines and called me over because she was having some trouble deciphering it. At first I was puzzled as to why she'd ever need me to do that, but it became pretty apparent. She laughed when she saw me try to read it:

ate
susan
svi poh ni nny
pasencia
na poh kc hind poh cia mksgot agad kc my alga xiang bata 8 mnts
ngyn poh pde dw poh kc aalgaan dw poh mna nung aswa ng kua qoh
tta susan svu n nny
sna dw poh mgksma clang dlwa n ate mariet
kc nhhya c nnay................
pkzvi nlng poh kung kailan,,,,,,,,,,,,
thnks
ngtz poh alwys,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Oh man.

This is obviously text-speak*. I'd seen it in extremely small doses here in the States, but this is straight from the source! Almost every single word is abbreviated or chopped up. In an effort to decode the syntax:

1. the addition of an h at the end of po and qo (which is supposed to be spelled ko in the first place!): maybe to "round" out the word a little; Tagalog can sound sharp and jagged when it needs to be
   
   
2. generally omitting as many a's as you can: this makes sense to me, since we use that particular letter very frequently
   
   
3. replacing b with v, and si with c or xi: probably purely aesthetic; it definitely makes the language more colorful and -- dare I say it -- exotic
   

The email is even phrased like a text message. I myself have enough trouble reading regular written Tagalog as it is, so it took us a minute to figure things out. Once we got the hang of it though, it wasn't too bad and was actually kinda fun to read.

*I have a hunch lots of Tagalog-speaking Twitter members probably tweet like this too. I dunno, I'll have to check.

Random Thoughts From 30-Somethings.

Excerpts from an exceptionally funny and poignant email I got from Ren on Monday. How is it that I can relate to almost all of these? My favorites appear in blue.

1. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
2. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
3. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
4. I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
5. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
6. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
7. Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
8. Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
9. There is a great need for sarcasm font.
10. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the hell was going on when I first saw it.
11. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
12. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
13. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
14. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
15. Was learning cursive really necessary?
16. LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say."
17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
18. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
19. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart," all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart."
20. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
21. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
22. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using "as in" examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said, "Yes that's G as in... [10 second lapse] ... ummm ... Goonies."
23. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
24. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it ... thanks Mario Kart.
25. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
26. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
27. I would like to officially coin the phrase "catching the swine flu" to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last night."
28. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
29. Bad decisions make good stories.
30. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier and sluttier every year?
31. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem.
32. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
33. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
34. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
35. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
36. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
37. When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light Internet stalking.
38. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
39. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles.
40. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
41. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
42. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
43. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.
44. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
45. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
46. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I <3 Spam.

Every once in a while I open up my constantly-refilling email spam folder to see what gems are buried in there. Bursting with unintentional grammar, spelling and punctuation errors (a significant number of spam email servers are located in Russia, China and India), some of the messages make for quick, hilarious reading. So let's see what appeared in my spam folder today:

1. One little pill and you are on your way to Sax! Light her eyes with true desire
   
   I used to want to play the saxophone. This makes it easy! So if I pop this pill, the sensuous strains of smooth jazz should be floating effortlessly out of my "brass instrument". Hot and heavy.
   
   
2. Hey
   
   I usually don't open up the emails themselves, but the pure poetry and drama of this message uplifted my soul. Here's an excerpt:
   

   crunch briber valve crunch!
   errant whorl wane timer!
   doomed meat wane dank?
   auburn quads timer tamer!
   
   revoke lovely auburn gouge!
   rococo cored agaze.
   cower dank daw glum?
   pellet crikey quads mat?
   

   E. E. Cummings would be proud.
   
   
3. Don't try hard to make it stay -- just have one doze and become amorous hero.
   
   Amorous Hero sounds like some funky love manga that my younger cousins would read. Apparently all I'd have to do to magically transform into him ... is sleep. zZzZzZz Amorous Hero!!
   
   
4. Lost your firmness? Give your ardor engine the right fuel.
   
   That's what I'm calling it from now on, dammit. My ardor engine.
   
   
5. Sat down by the side of the cool fountain, To the land where the Bong-tree grows
   
   A Bong-tree, you say?! Very interesting ...
   
   

Have a good weekend!