Swaggerless? We Can Help.

Because Lord knows life is worthless if you're suddenly without swagger. Here's another classic from Yahoo! Answers:

How to get my swagger back?

well here it goes..last year and the year before that i had my swagger up i could easily pick up women and have no trouble with it, ever since i had a down fall of things like my best friend and her baby son leaving me and never talking to me agian becasue she got married and before that we were always a trio, i became lost and just gave up on things, then eventually just got lazy and substituted my emotions with alcohol in her place...and now i lost another women who cared for me bc of alcohol bc i'd rather drink than be around her; and the old me would never do that, so i stop drinking for that fact to better myself... and now tryin to figure out what to do to get my swagger all back, i had lost my romance, my way of talk, and most of all my look, im just confused and lazy and need to know what to do to get my motivation all back

I blame hip-hop. LOL.

The priceless answer to this burning question made my morning. Enjoy your Thursday! It's raining here and it makes me happy.

Public Service Announcement 002: Facebook Status Updates.

I joined Facebook only about a year ago. After a couple months of my classmates in the x-ray program asking if I'd joined yet, I finally signed up and made my first noobish post to much fanfare and amusement. I mean, why not? -- pretty much everyone is on it now anyway. Yes, including my mom and several aunts and uncles.

[via]

This isn't quite the reaction I had when I got more than a few friend requests from the older members of my family, but I'd previously heard about people complaining that their parents were stalking them on FB, scrolling through their photo albums looking for incriminating evidence and/or posting stuff on their friends' Walls:

[via]

Thankfully my family's not that active on Facebook in general, so even if I were doing things my mom wouldn't necessarily approve of, chances are they'd miss my status updates. Not that I'd be posting about them anyway, but some people, unbelievably, still don't seem to realize just how public your information can be. They'll put stuff up about their latest experiments with mind-altering substances and/or stories about some crazy sexual conquest.

Granted, those are a much better (and far more hilarious) read than your typical "Having lunch with my BFF!!" or "GOD my life SUCKS" or "I just planted 35 acres of bananas in FarmVille" or "♫ [insert Top 40 song lyrics here] ♫" status updates -- or even worse, constant inane chatter:

[via]

Yeah, I've had to hide some of you guys for this last one especially. Sorry. (But not really.) Sometimes, it's just better to STFU.

Okay, rant over. Have a great Monday :D

Of course, shameless plug: Friend me on Facebook! But please don't flood my Feed with crap like I just wrote about, or you'll get smashed with the Hide Hammer.

Lent Update.

It's Day 29 of Lent -- time for an official update to my list of things that I gave up a month ago:

1. Eating "land meat". Happy to say that I've been getting all my protein from water-dwelling animals, and not really missing the meat much -- although a recent trip to L&L Hawaiian Barbecue did an excellent job of testing my will. I gritted my teeth, passed on my usual chicken katsu, and ordered fried mahi-mahi instead which was actually pretty tasty. Success!


2. Drinking carbonated beverages. During a moment of weakness while helping my sister and brother-in-law move into their new house in Kirkland, I broke down and had a bottle of Coke and later, a half-can of Sprite. What can I say -- it was hot and I was in dire need of rehydration. I know I should've resisted the icy cold refreshment and gotten some water though. Fail!


3. Pleasures of the flesh. It's not like I'm in a situation where I can partake in this on a regular basis anyway, so it's been relatively easy to maintain my abstinence. (Still, the mind drifts.) Success!


4. Cursing. I have my good days and bad days. On the good days I sound like some sitcom family from the 50s. On the bad days I could make paint curl and peel from the walls with the sheer force of profanity spewing from my mouth. The important thing to take away from this so far is that I have stopped cursing casually, but I still have major problems with four-letter words when I get irritated or frustrated. Still working on it, but I'd say this particular one is a bust. Fail!

Saw this clever little Venn diagram on the always-entertaining Indexed and thought it was appropriate for the post:

[via]

I consider myself squarely in the A circle, desperately trying to make it to the B area. But not too much longer now. Hopefully I can improve by Easter.

Raw Fish FTW!

In anticipation of all the unagi, maguro and sake I'm going to be devouring during my upcoming trip to Seattle, I've been playing Sushi Cat. From the description:

Sushi Cat is lonely. Lonely and very hungry. Help Sushi Cat out by guiding him to as much sushi as possible. Watch him grow fat as he eats more and more sushi along his way. Fill up his belly to win.

Looks like my kind of game. Basically you're walking (rolling?) along when you spot this fine honey in the shop window:

It's business time.

In an effort to win her heart, you somehow have to go through scenarios where all you do is EAT SUSHI:

om nom nom

Get a full belly on each level, and you bear witness to a crazy sushi fireworks display:

Sushi Frenzy!

Don't do like I did, though, and bounce around gobbling so much sushi that I couldn't fit in between the obstacles and was doomed to kind of roll gelatinously around forever:

DOOMED

See kids? Portion control is your friend. Yeah, that's not good. Whimsical and funny as hell though -- a good 15-minute Plinko-clone time-waster. Aaaand I'm really hungry now. Enjoy.

Kc Nhhya C Nnay.

This past weekend, my mom got an email from a younger family friend back in the Philippines and called me over because she was having some trouble deciphering it. At first I was puzzled as to why she'd ever need me to do that, but it became pretty apparent. She laughed when she saw me try to read it:

ate
susan
svi poh ni nny
pasencia
na poh kc hind poh cia mksgot agad kc my alga xiang bata 8 mnts
ngyn poh pde dw poh kc aalgaan dw poh mna nung aswa ng kua qoh
tta susan svu n nny
sna dw poh mgksma clang dlwa n ate mariet
kc nhhya c nnay................
pkzvi nlng poh kung kailan,,,,,,,,,,,,
thnks
ngtz poh alwys,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Oh man.

This is obviously text-speak*. I'd seen it in extremely small doses here in the States, but this is straight from the source! Almost every single word is abbreviated or chopped up. In an effort to decode the syntax:

1. the addition of an h at the end of po and qo (which is supposed to be spelled ko in the first place!): maybe to "round" out the word a little; Tagalog can sound sharp and jagged when it needs to be
   
   
2. generally omitting as many a's as you can: this makes sense to me, since we use that particular letter very frequently
   
   
3. replacing b with v, and si with c or xi: probably purely aesthetic; it definitely makes the language more colorful and -- dare I say it -- exotic
   

The email is even phrased like a text message. I myself have enough trouble reading regular written Tagalog as it is, so it took us a minute to figure things out. Once we got the hang of it though, it wasn't too bad and was actually kinda fun to read.

*I have a hunch lots of Tagalog-speaking Twitter members probably tweet like this too. I dunno, I'll have to check.

A Damn Good Night Out.

So push play right now and watch the following clip, "Rad Anthem" by Rad Omen (NSFW), the brainchild of DJ Troublemaker.


Aaaaahhhhh, memories. *ahem* Would you say that this is:

1. a metaphor for corporate capitalism in America
2. a statement about the perils of overindulgence
3. a hilariously awesome music video

I'm gonna go with ... 3, but you could probably make a case for 1 and 2 too.  ANYWAY this hits my senses exactly right, because listen: It's a rare and beautiful event when the video and song complement each other so well. In this case they go together like three lines of uncut pure and a mirrored hotel coffee table. The track is heavy on the buttery electro and light on its feet, bouncy and super-danceable even without the aid of any illicit substances -- although I'm pretty sure they'd do a fine job enhancing how nicely this song hits. And the video ... well, let's just say I know the feeling. It perfectly encapsulates a Damn Good Night Out, punctuated by the inevitable cryptic Facebook status updates, improbably funny situations, misspelled text messages and phone calls you probably shouldn't have made.

In this city, we know how to get down
In this city, we know how to do it right

Go ahead, watch it again. You know you want to see Jack get his dome licked by a stripper one more time.

Counterpoint.

From the mind of 9 0 0 0.

In The Words Of Lady Gaga ...

Just dance.

I love this gif. Seriously, the world would be a better place if more people just let it all go on the dance floor (no mosh pit).

That is all for today. TGIF.

Does Anyone Else Get That Feeling?

It's Saturday, so it's time for a light Australian pop music video featuring a couple of rabbits who, contrary to their stereotypical nature, don't get laid very much. (NSFW due to the theme of the song and one naughty word.)

Edit: The video's been removed from Vimeo, so here's a link that's more likely to stay up.

LOL. I could go in depth about the social commentary conveyed by the video, but I'll let the words speak for themselves.

I've known about this video and song, performed by TISM, for a few years now, and recently rediscovered it while looking through my image folders (yo get your mind out of the gutter) for a fresh new avatar. Apparently I'd taken some choice screenshots of the Lead Singer Bunny:

 

At any rate, I dig the simplicity of the animation. Although the number of lines and curves in the images are kept to a minimum, the expressions and movements of the characters are believable and funny.

Corporate chambers and office amore.
Shenanigans outdoor and in.

Enjoy your Saturday -- I'm actually going out for once! Amazing.

Summer Slackin'.

Here's a friendly reminder from our friends at someecards.com as you head into the three-day weekend.


Hmm, let's see ... I meant to do the following this summer:

• spend more time outdoors
• go to more concerts/shows
• establish anything resembling a consistent workout routine
• write/read more (outside of classwork)
• attend any events sponsored by this organization

You could say I didn't ... quite ... get around to much of that *pulls out Lazy Student Excuse*.  Ah well.  The year's nowhere close to being finished, so it's not too late yet!  Plus my favorite season is coming soon and that actually has me excited.

Have a great Labor Day weekend!

Hood Truisms: Is Your Hood Official?

Originally from a hilarious, but now-defunct forum thread over at the mighty mighty Okayplayer, with supplemental photos from my dedicated Web, uh, "research."

Invariably, at some point in your life you will find yourself in the hood.

You may actually be in the hood now and not even know it.

Look around you ... is there blight and depression? Is there a liquor store next to a barber shop next to a church? Are there more check cashing places than actual banks? If so, you're probably there and didn't even realize it ... or you're just in Detroit.

So here's my list of simple hood truisms that have yet to fail me in my life:

• The best Chinese food comes from places that weren't initially Chinese restaurants (see: Hunan King, China Hut). If the building used to be a Cap'n D's, Burger King, or KFC, please believe the Chinese food served there is bangin'.  I don't know about this one though:
  
• If you're lost, Martin Luther King can lead you to the promised land. If you're ever lost in the hood, just find MLK (Ave., Blvd., St., Pkwy., etc.) and go either north or east. It will lead you out of the hood. Try it in your city and see what happens.
  
  
• The more marginal the neighborhood, the better the fried chicken (see: Harold's in Chicago, Frenchy's in Houston). You can't get good fried chicken outside of the hood and the more hood the spot, the more dangerous the location, or the more fucked up the neighborhood is, you know they're fixing that good gospel bird nearby. Hell, if there's a n!gga laying dead in front of the chicken shack EAT THERE ... the shit's prolly delish.
  
  
• Bootleg DVDs and CDs should only be purchased at the barber/beauty shop, behind the newspaper dispensers, or the gas station ... Nowhere else, ever.
  
• If you see a chick standing at the bus stop in a short puffy Baby Phat coat (with the fur collar) and a ridonkulous phatty, she's only 15 and she already has at least one kid. Keep it moving, R. Kelly.
  
  
• If they're selling dope in the neighborhood you're in, then that neighborhood is pretty much safe. Dope selling n!ggas don't like robbing ass n!ggas around them 'cause they draw the heat, so if you see a gaggle of young men in large white tees pitching that yay on your corner, you don't have to lock your car. Them n!ggas is better than Neighborhood Watch.
  
  
• If your local Walgreen's/CVS/Rite Aid doesn't lock up the soap, your hood is not official.
  
  
• If your local Walgreen's/CVS/Rite Aid has grape, peach, strawberry, or passion fruit cigarillos on display up front, your hood is official.  Also, if the front doors have these signs taped on them ...
  ... there's really not much more to be said.

Random Thoughts From 30-Somethings.

Excerpts from an exceptionally funny and poignant email I got from Ren on Monday. How is it that I can relate to almost all of these? My favorites appear in blue.

1. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
2. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
3. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
4. I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
5. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
6. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
7. Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
8. Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
9. There is a great need for sarcasm font.
10. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the hell was going on when I first saw it.
11. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
12. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
13. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
14. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
15. Was learning cursive really necessary?
16. LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say."
17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
18. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
19. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart," all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart."
20. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
21. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
22. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using "as in" examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said, "Yes that's G as in... [10 second lapse] ... ummm ... Goonies."
23. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
24. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it ... thanks Mario Kart.
25. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
26. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
27. I would like to officially coin the phrase "catching the swine flu" to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last night."
28. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
29. Bad decisions make good stories.
30. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier and sluttier every year?
31. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem.
32. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
33. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
34. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
35. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
36. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
37. When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light Internet stalking.
38. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
39. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles.
40. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
41. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
42. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
43. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.
44. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
45. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
46. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I <3 Spam.

Every once in a while I open up my constantly-refilling email spam folder to see what gems are buried in there. Bursting with unintentional grammar, spelling and punctuation errors (a significant number of spam email servers are located in Russia, China and India), some of the messages make for quick, hilarious reading. So let's see what appeared in my spam folder today:

1. One little pill and you are on your way to Sax! Light her eyes with true desire
   
   I used to want to play the saxophone. This makes it easy! So if I pop this pill, the sensuous strains of smooth jazz should be floating effortlessly out of my "brass instrument". Hot and heavy.
   
   
2. Hey
   
   I usually don't open up the emails themselves, but the pure poetry and drama of this message uplifted my soul. Here's an excerpt:
   

   crunch briber valve crunch!
   errant whorl wane timer!
   doomed meat wane dank?
   auburn quads timer tamer!
   
   revoke lovely auburn gouge!
   rococo cored agaze.
   cower dank daw glum?
   pellet crikey quads mat?
   

   E. E. Cummings would be proud.
   
   
3. Don't try hard to make it stay -- just have one doze and become amorous hero.
   
   Amorous Hero sounds like some funky love manga that my younger cousins would read. Apparently all I'd have to do to magically transform into him ... is sleep. zZzZzZz Amorous Hero!!
   
   
4. Lost your firmness? Give your ardor engine the right fuel.
   
   That's what I'm calling it from now on, dammit. My ardor engine.
   
   
5. Sat down by the side of the cool fountain, To the land where the Bong-tree grows
   
   A Bong-tree, you say?! Very interesting ...
   
   

Have a good weekend!