Make No Bones About It.

I continuously surprise myself at the realization of the distance I must travel in terms of self-improvement and, consequently, self-actualization. This distance was again put into sharp focus last week during (my final) Spring Break -- this usually happens when I have the much-needed privilege and responsibility of looking after Veronica. There's nothing quite like parenting to give you the proper perspective of your position in the world; it dawned on me as well that I needed to apply the lessons I learn while trying to be a good father to other aspects of my life.

Last week, it was reinforced to varying degrees that I need to keep working on my senses of patience, fairness, discipline, permissiveness, consistency and empathy (this is a big one). I've made reference to them before, but the lack of those skills contribute to much of my internal instability. I'm glad I've started to really recognize what my deficits are, when I used to just ignore/deny my faults (which did absolutely no one any good).

Well, my road to recovery begins with the admittance of my shortcomings, and the progress I will take to overcome them. This week I embark on that journey. It's time to face my skeletons. Fittingly (and kinda hilariously), a screenshot from one of the videogames of my childhood represents this well.

See you at the top.

Catharsis.

It's been raining. And it reminds me of Seattle.

I miss them both. I miss hanging out in my loft in Greenwood, listening to and watching the rain come down. I like the thought of the rain washing the city clean, giving it a fresh start. I know a ton of people hate the rain but I never ever minded. Ever. Rain was a catharsis for me, a chance to renew.

[via]

I feel like I need to give myself a fresh start. There are so many new things in my life, as well as older issues that have become ... baggage. I keep mentioning it, but I'm weighed down: Finishing my re-education and jump-starting my new career after graduation. My relationship problems. My financial situation (or lack thereof). Working hard not to disappoint my family -- and others close to me. I'm stressed.

It's a lot for me. I'm used to being a little more laissez faire with my life. I've always had the "twig in the river" mentality -- almost like fatalism -- where I go where life takes me, I'll just be along for the ride. It worked out like that for a few years, in Seattle. I truly had a blast, lived it up, partied, and generally didn't pay any mind to where I was really going, or what I was going to do next. (Not that I did anything crazy, but I considered myself pretty happy-go-lucky as far as lifestyle went.) Then came Veronica. The twig entered the rapids.

I have to credit a couple of people in my life who have blessed me with advice (you all know who you are). They've provided me with much-needed insight into myself, my feelings, my relationships -- family-related and otherwise -- and into life in general. I can't afford to live like I used to, they say. I have entered a stage where I have to man up and actually be responsible, not just for my own life but for the lives of the people involved in ours. No more half-trying. No more messing around. For this, I have to thank all of you. Your words will not go unheard.

It's funny how half of me found this advice hard to swallow. Half of me wanted to keep floating. But I know I can't.

I need it to keep raining.

Speaking of Seattle, I'm headed up there for about a week for Spring Break. However, regular updates of Perpetual Mixtape will continue. I'm cool like that. I think.