Bittersweet. Mostly Bitter.

Sorry I haven't posted in forever. I've been busy since moving back and there have been tons of things on my mind. The comic below, however, is very relevant to my current state.

[via]

Personally it's not quite a feeling of negativity like the character in the comic has, but there's a lingering, overall sadness that always accompanies bittersweet memories. "All's fair in love and war." I suppose this is true. But it doesn't make anything hurt any less.

Dammit.

I wonder if I'm still entitled to heartache after a year.

Four Minutes Of Solitude.

Like everyone else, I get songs stuck in my head for days/weeks at a time. Every now and then I'll get an extremely annoying earworm* that's somehow managed to lodge itself into my brain, but usually they're tracks that I actually like. Not that I've been feeling particularly emo or anything lately, but Skream's first single "Where You Should Be" (from his second album Outside The Box) has been on repeat in my dome for weeks.

Here's a radio rip of the track:


Weeks, I tell you! -- and for good reason. The production is a thing of beauty. And although it's not normally my thing, I give the robotic voice manipulation a thumbs up. It gives the song a cold, plaintive sensibility that's perfect for the subject matter. Like DJ Annie Mac quipped at the end of the clip, this joint makes you want to break up with your significant other just so you can have a reason to listen to this song! While I probably wouldn't advise that course of action, I see what she's getting at.

To summarize: My ears are loving this. Okay so: Lyrics follow for those who want to sing along.

It keeps me awake ...

How can I feel good about this life I'm livin'
When you're not here right beside me
Not here where you should be
Sometimes it feels like I might as well
Just turn around and give in
'Cause you're not here where you should be
Not here right beside me

These lonely days
Turn into lonely nights
Everything's upside down
And I've lost the will to fight
You say you have to leave
And won't even tell me why
You took my hopes and dreams
And left me alone to cry

I stare at the phone hoping that you might call
Wondering who you've been seein'
And tryin' to make sense of it all
They say my heart will grow stronger
Ahead of me all of these years
But right now it's hard to believe as
I lie in my empty bed drowning in tears

Can't say I've never felt this way after a relationship, so the song definitely connected on that level. Okay so yeah, a little emo, but it's done tastefully and with top-notch electronic instrumentation *wipes mascara* On another note, I'm pretty amped about the direction Skream is taking the dubstep genre. I'm eager to hear what Outside The Box sounds like, as well as his group project with Magnetic Man. It's a good time for electronic music, yo.

*Yeah yeah I know: Her songs are catchy! And yes, I'd dance to some of them. Doesn't make them any less annoying :)

Lyrics: Untitled Verse.

Written from inside a dark place.

I never thought that I would see you in dreams
But every time I do it's like I'm fiendin' it seems
'Cause yo, you're like a vision that I witness
Mindin' my business and all of a sudden I miss you with a quickness

Yo I can't explain it, 'cause one second I'm fine
It's wreckin' my mind, I end up recollectin' the time
When I stole a kiss and then captured your heart
I mastered the art of love but now I'm back at the start

Ground zero, starin' at your picture at night
Thinkin' bout you even when I'm grippin' a mic
It's surprising 'cause I thought that I was over you boo
Instead my soul is tellin' me to get closer to you

But hold up, I don't know how you feel about this tragedy
I hope your strategy's to rapidly come back to me
And that'll be the fantasy occupyin' my brain
Until then, sing a melody and quiet my pain

Catharsis.

It's been raining. And it reminds me of Seattle.

I miss them both. I miss hanging out in my loft in Greenwood, listening to and watching the rain come down. I like the thought of the rain washing the city clean, giving it a fresh start. I know a ton of people hate the rain but I never ever minded. Ever. Rain was a catharsis for me, a chance to renew.

[via]

I feel like I need to give myself a fresh start. There are so many new things in my life, as well as older issues that have become ... baggage. I keep mentioning it, but I'm weighed down: Finishing my re-education and jump-starting my new career after graduation. My relationship problems. My financial situation (or lack thereof). Working hard not to disappoint my family -- and others close to me. I'm stressed.

It's a lot for me. I'm used to being a little more laissez faire with my life. I've always had the "twig in the river" mentality -- almost like fatalism -- where I go where life takes me, I'll just be along for the ride. It worked out like that for a few years, in Seattle. I truly had a blast, lived it up, partied, and generally didn't pay any mind to where I was really going, or what I was going to do next. (Not that I did anything crazy, but I considered myself pretty happy-go-lucky as far as lifestyle went.) Then came Veronica. The twig entered the rapids.

I have to credit a couple of people in my life who have blessed me with advice (you all know who you are). They've provided me with much-needed insight into myself, my feelings, my relationships -- family-related and otherwise -- and into life in general. I can't afford to live like I used to, they say. I have entered a stage where I have to man up and actually be responsible, not just for my own life but for the lives of the people involved in ours. No more half-trying. No more messing around. For this, I have to thank all of you. Your words will not go unheard.

It's funny how half of me found this advice hard to swallow. Half of me wanted to keep floating. But I know I can't.

I need it to keep raining.

Speaking of Seattle, I'm headed up there for about a week for Spring Break. However, regular updates of Perpetual Mixtape will continue. I'm cool like that. I think.

Happily Ever After.

Warning: Disjointed (and probably nonsensical) ramblings ahead. I feel like I need to release, so you may not want to read this entry.

I've been in some sort of weird slump for the past few weeks. Forgive me for using a cliché, but it feels like a heavy fog has blurred my mind's eye and dampened my overall mood. No, it's not the grey, windy weather. It's not the coursework from this semester. It's not even the stress of taking (and passing) the ARRT in mid-May. It's none of those things.

As they often do, a particular strip from A Softer World spoke to me:

[via]

That's basically it. Deep down everyone wants the storybook romance: to meet, fall in love, work through the inevitable rough patches, stay in love, and live happily ever after. Just like a cheesy romantic comedy. As most of us know all too well, Hollywood and real life are a bit different.

I'm no different from anyone else. I wanted to have the perfect relationship. I wanted to be a person who could make her day brighter; be supportive; always remember the little and the important things; keep control of his negative emotions; communicate when things became turbulent; to be loyal, faithful and truthful for God's sake -- plus a million other things. It was supposed to be simple, but I have a dumb tendency to over-complicate matters. [Edit: This entry from last September is sadly relevant.] I tried. I really tried. In the end, I came up short one too many times ... and failed myself and the girl who loved me.*

It's hard to type this.

The thing is, I knew what I had to do to fix what was wrong on my end. I don't have the answer for why I failed to do so. Maybe it's because, like the comic strip above, I didn't really know what entails a fairy-tale romance -- how much work both people have to put in to create the perfect relationship. I look back, and the pieces were all there. She was trying to put together her side of the puzzle. Too many times (way too many damn times) I'd throw down my pieces and rage, leave, or both. I'm profoundly sorry I lacked the capacity to provide lasting substance; and for lack of empathy, caused pain I never knew I was even capable of inflicting.

If only. Those must be the two saddest words in the world.
- Mercedes Lackey

If only I had done better. Okay I'll stop now. Lord help me, I need to go back to therapy.

*Before you say anything: Yeah, I know -- "Go cry, emo kid." haha ...